A Yuge Christmas Carol

On his final Christmas before taking the oath as President, Donald Trump was having a restless night. Twitter went down due to Chinese hacking and Melania was still in New York. Donald tried to soothe himself to sleep by eating a bowl of his favorite food, KFC gravy.

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After he finished he made his way to bed only to be interrupted and chains dragging across the floor. “Ivanka did you break free again?” he shouted only to have the spirit of his long dead father Fred Trump appear before him.

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“Father, why are you here? I thought I didn’t have to pay you back that loan? By the way what’s the deal with the chains?”

“Donald” Fred replied, “These are the chains I forged myself being a terrible father by giving you all you ever wanted but not teaching you anything about responsibility. Granted that’s how I was raised too but what the fuck, who thought anyone was paying attention?”

Fred looked off into the distance and continued, “Son, I know you think you have all you ever desired but the people upstairs will be sending you three spirits to try to teach you the meaning of the Presidency. I told them you were beyond education and that I blew a fortune on you at Wharton but they wouldn’t listen. I think most of them are darkies so they pay me no never mind. Anyhow you will be visited by the spirit of Presidents past, Presidents present and Presidents future. This is important, not another National Security Briefing, you need to listen to these people.”

Confused, Donald collected his composure and replied, “Okay father, I’ll listen. By the way is it possible you could loan me another $200 million? The RNC are being stingy about paying me back what I spent on this think.”

Fred looked sternly at Donald and firmly stated “NO, fuck off kid” then vanished in a puff of smoke.

Curling back up in his bed Donald heard a Beyoncé song and suddenly clamored in white the spirit of Presidents past appeared.

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“Wait, what, Michelle? You are the spirit of Presidents past? I mean you’re still in the White House and alive. How does that work?

Michelle with a smile on her face explained, “Donald, the spirits of the past are often women, now thanks to the Russians we don’t have a female President to show you what you missed. Further, none of the other First Ladies wanted to be anywhere near you for fear of being grabbed. Knowing you really don’t like to get close enough to touch African Americans I thought I would take a stab at it.”

Donald asked “So what is there to show me about Presidents past that I don’t already know?”

Forcing a smile Michelle answered “Christ Donald we don’t have that much time! Okay all I want to leave you with is that every President in the past whether you believe it or not were experienced in government and or had military experience. You have neither and listening to Alex Jones or watching the History Channel is a poor substitute. Your entire life you just ignored what was happening in Washington DC only to opine some crap whenever there was a camera before you. Now granted you are experienced in bribing government officials to get what you want for you and your business, but being able to keep the government sound, the people happy, the economy flowing so government can pay you the bribes takes a hell of a lot of work and knowledge. You really need to listen to people who are experienced at this, not other billionaires who only know how to bribe, not govern. Got to go, plenty of packing to do.”

With that, Michelle was gone.

Curled up in his bed Donald came to a realization “Crap! If the spirit of Presidents Present is next then that means Barack is coming to talk to me again. God damn it, I’m tired of being showed up by a Black man who knows more than me!”

Then suddenly the next spirit arrived but it wasn’t Barack Obama.

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“Grant?” Trump exclaimed. “Why you? You’re from the past not present.”

Grant looked impatiently at Donald and replied “Well, you see, the way this timeline is working out there may not be any future presidents after you so we’re stuck with past Presidents. Obama couldn’t make it because he’s working his ass off trying to Trump proof the nation before you take over. God I love that man!”

“Anyhow, I and the spirit of Presidents future will try to teach you from our experience what you need to avoid if you will be successful and allow the timeline to change where this nation survives and we can have more presidents in the future.”

Trump smiling replied “Okay, I can listen to you, I see a lot of myself in you and see you as a role model.”

Angrily Grant responded “Shut the fuck up! First of all I served the nation in war, I was an honest man and I wrote my own book, didn’t rely on a ghost writer. What we do have in common is that I surrounded myself with the most corrupt business people the Gilded Age provided to be part of my administration. As a result, my presidency was inundated with corruption and scandal and despite my good intentions, my presidency was a failure that ushered in more years of scandal at the hands of the wealthy and harming the ordinary people of the United States. Hell it also gave us Jim Crow and it took over 80 years to fix that. Now you have no good intentions, no moral compass and are as greedy if not more so than those you are bringing with you to Washington. If you continue, everyone loses including you!”

Befuddled, Donald gazed at President Grant and promised “Believe me, you can trust me, I’m telling you the truth, I’m going to go after Wall Street like I promised, trust me. These Goldman Sachs people I’m talking too, we’re just friends. Nothing to see, just friends, no bribery here to see.”

Rolling his eyes President Grant vanished.

“Glad he’s gone!” Trump exclaimed “I think he was drunk. Well wonder who’s next?”

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With that the faint sounds of “Hail to the Chief” could be heard in the distance. Then eerily the figure of the spirit of Richard Nixon appeared in a dark cloak.

“Dick!” Donald shouted “I’m so glad to see you, no matter what I’m facing there’s no way in hell I’m going to be screwed over like you were! I have a Republican Congress to protect me!”

Nixon in low mumbles responded “Are you serious? Donald the Republicans in Congress during my time joined enthusiastically with the Democrats to run me out of office. Barry Goldwater and John Rhodes from Arizona, Arizona I tell you came to the Oval to tell me I had to resign or face imprisonment after Impeachment. My own Attorney General would do me in. You need to understand that sometimes even Republicans place nation and laws before party and power. Like you I was corrupt but unlike you I had government experience in Congress and the Executive Branch, I was able to negotiate with both Russia and China on terms favorable to the United States, not on terms where either country owned me. Despite that, my corruption caught up to me and I lost, I caused so much damage to the Republican Party they had to turn to Ronald Reagan to get the White House back. Buddy, you’re corrupt and you’re an idiot. You will destroy both the Republican Party and the nation if you don’t get over yourself. Trust me, believe me, I’m telling you the truth, you’re fucked. I’m out of here, you won’t have Nixon to haunt you anymore.”

And Nixon was gone. Trump looked out the window to see the sun was rising. He paused and began to think when suddenly Twitter came back on line.

Trump did what he had to do and Tweeted “Merry Christmas, even to you losers out there. #MAGA”

He forgot about the visits from the spirits and went about his way as before. In the corner of room Kelly Anne Conway muttered to herself, “God help us everyone!”

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