This handout photo obtained 16 November

As someone who has sworn an oath to uphold and defend the Constitutions of both the State of Arizona and the United States, and being someone who has always heeded the words “don’t sign anything you haven’t already read and understand” I have read the Constitution. When I was in High School, civics was a required course for graduation and we were all required to not only read the history of both the State of Arizona and the United States, we had to demonstrate an understanding of the Constitutions of both. From what I’ve been told in recent years, this is rarely ever required in schools anymore.

I mention this because I am often bemused by Twitter bios and tweets from the right-wing that make their way to me about how they love and defend the Constitution of the United States. It amuses me because the things they stand strongly for in their rhetoric usually runs counter to what I have read and understood in my reading of the document. One person recently tweeted to me after we went all out with the #TGDNExposed Twitter-bomb on Thursday that “if believing in the Constitution makes me a Right Wing Nut Job, then I’m proud of that” I found that interesting because the very act of rebellion is essentially a liberal response and thus our founders, leading up to those who drafted our Constitution were if anything center-left. Many of the rights and functions and powers of the Federal Government laid out in the Constitution bears this out. So how could someone say believing in the Constitution makes them a conservative? Are they lying about reading and/or understanding it? Do they have it confused with the original Articles of Confederation that the Constitution replaced?

It finally dawned on me, our Constitution is 4,543 words in length to include the original document, the Bill of Rights and the signatures. Though one of the smaller Constitutions in size, that’s still a lot of words. Those on the right really don’t like to read all that much. They tend to cherry-pick what they want to see in documents like the Constitution or even the Bible. That is why Reader’s Digest was so successful with their “Abridged Books.” They would take these novels or stories and eliminate what they felt was fluff or not germane to the whole story to shorten the length and give the reader something they could read in one sitting without much thought. Problem was, they often changed the original intent of the novel, even to go so far as to rewrite it to get their version to flow.

I did my research and sure enough, I found the Right Wing Reader’s Digest Abridged Constitution. This is the document those on TGDN, Right-Wing groups and most certainly the NRA Gun Worshippers are actually citing when they speak of their love of the Constitution. I noticed that the numbering of the Articles, Sections and Chapters weren’t complete which led me to believe that they simply didn’t write down those parts of the document that didn’t fit their narrative. I found the re-writing of the second amendment particularly interesting and not all that unexpected.

So for your entertainment and edification, here is what they are reading:

We the really ignorant People establish this Constitution for us.

Article I

Section 1

All Powers herein granted shall be vested in a Republican Congress.

Section 2

1:  The House of Representatives shall be composed of Members chosen every second Year by the Republicans of the several States in gerrymandered districts.

Section 3

1:  The Senate of the United States shall be composed of two Senators from each State for 6 Years; and each Senator shall have one Vote and as many filibusters as they want as long as they are Republicans.

4:  The Vice President of the United States shall be President of the Senate, but shall have no Vote if he is a Democrat.

6:  The Senate shall have the sole Power to try all Impeachments.  When sitting for that Purpose, they shall be on Oath or Affirmation.  When the President of the United   States is tried, the Chief Justice shall preside:  And no Person shall be convicted without the Concurrence of two thirds of the Republicans present.

Section 4

1:  The Times, Places and Manner of holding Elections for Senators and Representatives, shall be prescribed in each State by the Legislature regardless of what the people want.

2:  The Congress shall assemble at least once in every Year, if they feel like it.

Section 6

1:  The Senators and Representatives shall receive a Compensation for their Services, to be ascertained by Law, and paid out of the Treasury of the United   States.   They shall in all cases, have a get out of jail free card.

Section 7

1:  All Bills for raising Revenue shall originate in the House of Representatives when they get around to it.

2:  Every Bill which shall have passed the House of Representatives and the Senate, shall, before it become a Law, be presented to the President of the United States; If he approve he shall sign it, but if not he shall return it, and the Republicans will go to FOX to whine about it.

Section 8

1:  The Congress shall have Power to not lay and collect Taxes, Duties, Imposts and Excises, or pay the Debts and provide for the common Defense and general Welfare of the United States and can instead blame the Democratic President for their debts.

2:  To borrow Money from China;

7:  To establish Post Offices so they can shut them down and privatize them;

8:  To deny the Progress of Science;

11:  To declare War on the American people;

12:  To raise Armies;

13:  To provide a Navy;

14:  To ignore Rules for the Government and Regulation of the land and naval Forces;

15:  To provide for calling forth the Militia for show but not to execute the Laws of the Union, suppress Insurrections or repel Invasions because we believe in treason, see chapter 16;

16:  All this stuff about militias has nothing to do with the 2nd amendment we haven’t even written yet, so ignore this chapter of section 8, just move along;

Section 9

2:  The Privilege of the Writ of Habeas Corpus shall be suspended when we like.

5:  No Tax or Duty shall be laid on Articles exported from any Red State.

Section 10

States can do whatever they want.

Article II

Section 1

1:  The executive Power shall be vested in a President of the United States of America.  He shall hold his Office during the Term of four Years or until we impeach him.

2:  Each State shall appoint, in such Manner as the Legislature thereof may direct, a Number of Electors, equal to the whole Number of Senators and Representatives to which the State may be entitled in the Congress:

5:  No Person except a natural born Citizen, or a Citizen of the United States, at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the Office of President; neither shall any Person suspected under the absolute lack of fact but only on a racist suspicion that he may be from Kenya.

6:  In Case of the Removal of the President from Office, or of his Death, Resignation, or Inability to discharge the Powers and Duties of the said Office, the Same shall devolve on the Vice President, and the Congress may by Law provide for the Case of Removal, Death, Resignation or Inability, both of the President and Vice President, declaring what Officer shall then act as President, and such Officer shall act accordingly, until the Disability be removed, or a President shall be elected.

8:  Before he enter on the Execution of his Office, he shall take the following Oath or Affirmation:–“I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my Ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.” or some variance of this because the Chief Justice is an idiot.

Section 2

1:  The President shall be Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy of the United States, and of the Militia (that has nothing to do with the 2nd Amendment that we haven’t written yet) of the  several States, when called into the actual Service of the United States.

2:  He shall have Power, by and with the grudging Advice and Consent of the Senate, to make Treaties, provided two thirds of the Senators present concur; and he shall nominate, and by and with the Advice and Consent of the Senate, shall appoint Ambassadors, other public Ministers and Consuls, Judges of the supreme Court, and all other Officers of the United States.

3:  The President shall not have Power to fill up all Vacancies that may happen during the Recess of the Senate, by granting Commissions which shall expire at the End of their next Session because that’s not fair to those obstructing governance.

Section 3

He shall from time to time give to the Congress Information of the State of the Union that the Republicans can whine about.

Section 4

The President, Vice President and all civil Officers of the United States, shall be removed from Office on Impeachment for, and Conviction of, Treason, Bribery, or other high Crimes and Misdemeanors or any reason the Republicans can make up.

Article III

Section 1

The judicial Power of the United States shall be vested in one Supreme Court.  The Judges, both of the supreme and inferior Courts, shall hold their Offices during good conservative Behavior.

Section 2

1:  The judicial Power shall extend to all Cases, in Law and Equity, arising under this Constitution, the Laws of the United States, and Treaties made, or which shall be made, under their Authority: and cannot be judicial activist for liberal causes only conservative causes regardless of law, precedent or common sense.

3:  The Trial of all Crimes, except in Cases of Impeachment, shall be by Jury; and such Trial shall be held in the State where the said Crimes shall have been committed; but when not committed within any State, the Trial shall be at such Place or Places as the Congress may by Law have directed.

Section 3

1:  Treason against the United States, doesn’t apply because of the 2nd Amendment that we haven’t written yet.

Article IV

Section 2

1:  The Citizens of each State shall be entitled to all Privileges and Immunities of Citizens in the several States unless they’re women or icky gay or some kind of minority.

Section 3

1:  New States may be admitted by the Congress into this Union as long as they’re fringed right wing leaning.

Article V

The Congress, whenever two thirds of both Houses shall deem it necessary, shall propose Amendments to this Constitution, or, on the Application of the Legislatures of two thirds of the several States, shall call a Convention for proposing Amendments, which, in either Case, shall be valid to all Intents and Purposes, as Part of this Constitution, when ratified by the Legislatures of three fourths of the several States, or by Conventions in three fourths thereof, as the one or the other Mode of Ratification may be proposed by the Congress; but only the 2nd Amendment will carry any weight, the rest of them just take up paper.

Article VI

3:  The Senators and Representatives before mentioned, and the Members of the several State Legislatures, and all executive and judicial Officers, both of the United States and of the several States, shall be bound by Oath or Affirmation, to support this Constitution; and a Christian religious Test is absolutely required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States.

Bill of Rights

Article [I]

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion except a Christian one; or abridging the freedom of conservative speech, or of FOX; or the right of the conservative people to create angry mobs, and to petition the Government to whine about nothing.

Article [II]

The right of the people to keep and bear Arms shall not be infringed. This has nothing to do with well regulated militias. In fact, all of you will worship the gun and thou shall not have any Gods before the gun for the gun is sacred and without sin. Lo, thou who hath the largest caliber and magazine are the most pure and shall not be questioned. Woe to thee who dare speak sacrilege over the holiness of the gun. All hail the infallibility of the NRA! A nation of the gun, for the gun and by the gun shall not perish from the earth.

Article [IV]

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized except in the information age of computers if they are ever invented.

Article [X]

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the conservative people who have no knowledge of the full unabridged version of this Constitution and usually end up inbreeding in the back woods. As long as they continue to get more federal money coming in than they send out, alls cool. Well, not actually. Still send us the money and leave us the hell alone because we believe in everything that runs counter to civil society. All hail Ayn Rand, but not before we worship the Gun.

Other Amendments we essentially ignore

 [Article XII]

The Electors shall meet in their respective states, and vote by ballot for President and Vice-President, in a way that despite the results of the popular vote, allows only who Republicans want to win.

Article XIII

Slavery, blah blah blah

Article XIV

1:  All corporate persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United   States and of the State wherein they reside.  No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.

Article XVI

The Congress shall not have power to lay and collect taxes on incomes of those making more than they could ever spend in one or a hundred lifetimes.

Article [XX]

1:  The terms of the President and Vice President shall end when we say.

Amendment XXII

1:  No person shall be elected to the office of the President more than twice, and no person who has held the office of President, or acted as President, for more than two years of a term to which some other person was elected President shall be elected to the office of the President more than once.

Amendment XXIV

1.  The right of citizens of the United States to vote in any primary or other election for President or Vice President, for electors for President or Vice President, or for Senator or Representative in Congress, shall be denied if polling shows they won’t vote for Republicans

Here is a link to the actual and complete Constitution of the United States that those on the right have never read or understood in its entirety, for if they had, maybe they wouldn’t be so fringed right.